


Nobody Can Find Me Here

by monoquist



Category: Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, smart people being dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 06:01:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5816887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monoquist/pseuds/monoquist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was almost as if Yukina had looked into the books and seen the invisible pen of the editor scribbling across the pages. There were many from before who were attracted to his youthful looks, but Yukina was the only one to hear his voice before he had said a single word.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nobody Can Find Me Here

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from 'Mr Gendai Speaker'.

It was only seven o’clock in the evening.

Too early to leave, too late to start on the next pile of work.

It was the week before last in the cycle, and Kisa Shouta could predict that by this time next week, he’d be little more than an animated corpse shuffling across the office. He could tell that the reanimation was already starting from the way the dull throbbing in his head was making him head straight for the coffee supplies.

If he left at a quarter to eight, he’d be able to go through half of the proofs for Kitagawa-sensei’s new book and make it in time to Books Marimo before they closed.

 _And see Yukina_ , his traitorous mind piped up.

He sighed, punching a button on the vending machine.

‘—but I’m not getting any younger, you know? I’m already 30, and so many of my friends are already married and with children!’

‘But to go to the extent of marrying someone you don’t even love!’

Kisa leant against the wall, waiting impatiently as the coffee streamed into the cup. It was a good thing that the vending machine was hidden away from the main entrance or he would have had to find something to contribute to such a pointless conversation.

‘But it’s too late for me to find the perfect guy now, shouldn't I make do with this one?’

The lift chimed.

‘Ah, good evening! Thank you for your hard work today!’ The familiar voice of Onodera could be heard, followed by his hurried footsteps.

‘Thank you for your hard work!’

The sound of their heels clicked across the landing.

‘Wow, they’re really making them younger every year huh? Isn’t he in Emerald?’

‘Yeah, that’s the division with that high school kid right? I was so shocked when I first realised that he was an editor here!’

‘Eh? A high school kid? Oh, no, you must be referring to—’

The doors closed.

‘Me,’ Kisa sighed.

* * *

_It's too late for me.  
_

He recognised that feeling somewhat.

Sometimes, even at 30, he couldn't help but think that his life had yet to begin.

He was an editor, but it wasn’t really his talent but the authors’ that people counted on. He was a recognised member of the Emerald team, but his works were never bestsellers. He thought about love so often, but he never managed to fall in love with any of the guys he was attracted to. He somehow managed to enter a relationship with someone who seemed to genuinely love him, and yet he was only attracted to that irresistible face.

Yukina was handsome, kind, young, and remarkably good at his work. It probably wasn't even an exaggeration to say that people flocked from across the city just to purchase his weekly title recommendations and bask in the warmth of his approval. Yukina probably got at least three confessions before the day was out, and then one more for good measure between the bookstore and his home.

In fact, the more he thought about it, the more incomprehensible their arrangement seemed.

Yukina could offer him everything, but he had…nothing to give in return.

How would such a one-sided relationship ever work? Yukina had said before that he loved the books that Kisa had worked on. And Kisa loved his…face? It made his own burn whenever he thought about that too-honest sentiment that he had voiced aloud in Yukina’s presence.

One weekend, he had woken up to find Yukina sitting in his living room crying his heart out. He remembered panicking and nearly tripping over his own feet in his rush, when Yukina held up the latest volume of Akiyama-sensei’s _Choco Kiss_.

_Why do I remember such meaningless things?_

Yukina had thought about the books in such detail and had managed to track down all the works that Kisa had ever worked on, without anyone telling him a thing—it was almost as if the younger man had looked into the books and seen his invisible scribbles all across the pages. There were many from before who were attracted to his youthful looks, but Yukina might have been the only one to hear his voice before he had said a single word.

He was intelligent and considerate to the point where Kisa’s chest felt tight whenever he thought about him. If he had ever been asked to describe the fantasy prince of his dreams, when he was still young enough to believe that there was someone out there waiting for him, he imagined the prince would have looked a lot like Yukina.

But the kinder Yukina was to him, the worse it hurt.

Perhaps love at first sight worked in manga, but this was reality.

‘Yukina, we need to talk.’

_It’s too late for me._

‘I’d drop by your apartment after work.’

* * *

It was going better than Kisa expected and worse.

He hadn’t cried for one. He was thinking clearly and rationally. All they needed was time away from each other and everything would realign itself to follow a new norm. Even when he wavered as he thought about it on the train, all he needed to do was to look at the messages on his phone. How many missed meetings have they had by now? In the first month, there were more missed dates than actual ones which they had gone on, and after that, they learnt their lesson and stopped trying to meet. In which universe was that supposed to be normal?

Yukina was silent for a long while after hearing what Kisa had to say.

He had met Kisa at the doorway, practically giddy with delight at being able to meet up after a week’s absence, and he didn't seem to understand why the older man was avoiding his gaze. Kisa, on the other hand, felt as though his very nerves were fraying apart from the warmth of the other's regard and the feel of those long, elegant fingers affectionately ruffling through his hair. Even when Yukina had leaned in for a kiss, he instinctively thrust a bag full of books which the other had left over at his house at him instead, and impulsively blurted out the words that he had swallowed back for so long.

It wasn’t that he wanted to hurt him, but he didn't fully trust his voice at that moment.

If he hadn't been running on sheer adrenaline, he would never have the courage to muster those words.

But all Kisa could think about was how much he regretted not kissing Yukina one last time.

* * *

The minutes went by in silence. 

'Kisa-san,' Yukina asked at last, his head lowered, 'do you know why I decided to major in fine arts?’

‘When I was younger, I thought that as long as what I drew was beautiful, that was all that mattered. In a way, it’s kind of like me, isn’t it? I know how people look at me, and I know that they come to Books Marimo because of me sometimes, and I’m so grateful for that but…’ he paused.

‘I don’t think they would if they knew what was really going on inside my head. I know how to say the right things, and I know how to make people happy, but I’ve always thought that if they looked deeper inside of me, they’d realise that I’m nothing more than an empty shell. At least in art, I didn’t have to pretend to be something else. It was enough for me if I could make something beautiful.’

Kisa stared, his eyes wide as he took in the unnaturally serious side to Yukina that he had never seen before. Yukina’s tone was light, but he hadn’t been able to meet Kisa’s eyes since he started talking.

‘Well, I guess that’s actually not…art?’ Yukina said softly, his hair obscuring his eyes. ‘My professor always says that my works are superficial. I guess it’s true.’

Had he ever been able to be this brave? Had he ever had such courage despite the awkwardness? Thoughts whirled desperately through his mind. Yukina was talking steadily, but Kisa could tell that his hands were shaking a little.

It had always been him that hadn’t dared to look directly at Yukina, for fear that his eyes would give him away as they usually did. Emotions like disgust, fatigue, excitement, joy, all shone through his eyes, as much as he tried to hide them. It was Yukina who had always held his hand, who had kissed him and waited patiently for him to try and meet his eyes. And when he did, Yukina had always been so happy and pleased that he drove all doubts straight out of Kisa’s mind.

‘But then there was you, Kisa-san.’

‘M-me?’

‘When I first noticed you, I thought you were a high school kid with a crush on me or something. You came in once or twice every week, but you’d usually be in the shounen manga section and I didn’t know how to strike up a conversation with you. But I found out that you edited my favourite series, and in fact all of my favourite books, the ones that I have laughed at and cried over for so many years, and I… I felt like you knew me. I felt like you saw through my superficiality, and you knew me right down to the bottom of my heart.’

‘So you see,’ Yukina continued softly.

‘Stop—’

‘It’s alright with me if you say that you love my face. If Kisa-san likes it, then I’m so glad that I was born with this face.’

‘Don’t—’

‘I know I’m selfish but I just want to keep you by my side for as long as I can. I know you think that you’re only looking at my appearance, Kisa-san, but when it comes to what’s really important, you saw right through me.’

‘STOP THAT!’ Kisa burst out at last, his hands fisted in Yukina’s shirt. ‘What the hell is wrong with you? What do you mean I saw right through you? What do you mean that you’re superficial? That you’re an empty shell?’

Yukina startled, taking a step back involuntarily, his eyes flying up to meet Kisa’s. His eyes were red as if he was about to cry, but they held a tinge of hope and apprehension as if he saw something he desperately wanted but was too afraid to reach a hand out for it.

‘Kisa-san…?’

‘What the hell are you talking about? I don’t understand you at all!’ Kisa shouted, shaking Yukina harder. ‘I don’t understand why you have these thoughts, when it’s so obvious that I…when it’s so obvious that I’m the one…’

‘I…look, I never thought I’d say this, so listen carefully. Firstly, the reason why these books are good is not because of my own effort, but because of the authors’ hard work. I was fortunate to be assigned these titles...’

Kisa pressed his forehead against Yukina’s jumper, closing his eyes so that he wouldn’t have to see the disgust on the other’s face.

‘But more importantly, it’s when…whenever I work on these titles, a part of me always thinks that I’m not the right person for the job. That I have to work harder than anyone else into making it into a good book, a book that would appeal to even someone like me—someone who will never experience such love. Do you understand now? You say that your work is superficial, but I spent my whole life creating books about something I know nothing about!’

‘Somehow, you loved my books even though I never thought that someone could see me in them. My books don’t sell well or rather, they don’t sell as well as the other titles in Marukawa, but you went to the effort of collecting every single book that I ever worked on without even trying. Somehow you knew me, and you knew about my past, but you accepted me and made me feel so loved and I don’t know why because I’m not even brave like you, and I don’t know how to tell you that I…that I feel…’

‘Just…please,’ Kisa said, his voice breaking. ‘Please don’t ever talk like that about yourself again. If there’s anyone who’s a fraud, it’s me. You deserve so much more and I don’t know if I…’

Long fingers tilted his chin up, and Yukina Kou was kissing him. Gently, and then more passionately, Yukina kissed him as if he had been waiting to do so for a long time. Dimly, Kisa registered that the kiss tasted salty. He pulled away, and noticed belatedly that tears were spilling from the younger man’s eyes.

‘Yukina! W-why…? Did I say something wrong? Why are you crying!’ he demanded, reaching up to brush the tears away when Yukina caught hold of his hand.

‘What are you talking about?’ Yukina sniffled, smiling a little through his tears. ‘You’re crying too.’

Kisa stared at him for a moment.

Oh. So that’s why his face felt wet.

‘Kisa-san, it really has to be you after all,’ Yukina sighed, a proper smile beginning to form on his lips. It was like the sun coming out after a period of gloomy weather.

‘I love you. And that was the bravest confession I’ve ever received. I don’t need to hear the actual words to know that you love me too. Kisa-san, I may not be an expert, but don’t you think that this is the perfect beginning to any shoujo manga?’

Yukina’s hands were so warm against his skin.

Helplessly, Kisa began to smile.

‘I guess you’re right. It really is.’


End file.
